Confessions

I was scoping out the blog freeway, trying to find a blog that really hit me -- my thought process was, if I can find one, then I can clear my mind and get to work on my Nano writing; which has been put on the back burner because of classwork, and life situations. There are a few stops that I normally make, and sure enough I found a blog that really hit close to home. It was situated at one of my usual reading stops. I responded to the blog -- something I'm still not comfortable doing, as I see myself as a blog newlywed -- and then started cruising once more. While I cruised, my mind started rambling to me, which is why I'm rambling now, so I decided to take a leap ...



I excommunicated my older brother. He was never there to keep the bullies away, instead he joined in. He molested and forced himself on my younger sister, for many years. My parents were unaware of the situation, my dad worked shift work and if I were to describe his attitude and temperment,it would be, "King of the House, and don't spare the rod," my mom on the other hand was firm, loving, and naive. Please don't misunderstand. I love my parents dearly, and I think they did the best they knew how to do. These occurrences were back in the day where situations like this were not spoken about, and in my parents situation, ever considered a possiblity of taking place. Occasionally I have flash backs, and I think I knew or sensed what was happening to my younger sister. I remember always wanting to try to protect her, and I never wanted her left alone with him. I think my mom just thought I was being a protective older sister. I guess I didn't do a very good job. At the time, mini skirts were all the rage, and since we lived down south at the time, everyone wore short sleeves. But I remember wanting to shop for dresses that would fall at or below my knees, I always wanted to be covered up -- my mom thought it was strange, but that was about as far as it went. I believe I thought he was going to molest me at one point. My parents weren't home, and I remember he told me he wanted to show me something in his room -- I took a few steps in, the only other thing I remember next is that I started yelling at him. My parents came home and saw me standing at the doorway of his room holding a steak knife -- I was either in 5th or 6th grade at the time. In high school, he coerced my sister into having sex with our neighbor, I think drugs were involved (he and the neighbor were about 5 years older than her), and then he had his turn. I didn't know about her using drugs to escape the memories and her pain, or about the neighborhood incident until many years later. My parents were also unaware of the situation. This took place when she was in high school. He broke my nose when I was a senior in high school, when I stood up against him. The *rick is 3 years old than I am -- my boyfriend was there at the time, he did nothing. He would shove my mom and threaten to hit her. My dad's way of handling my brother, whip him with the belt when he was younger and lock him out of the house after he turned over 18. My parents are educated, I never wanted for anything, we had new cars, a nice home in the hills...

My sister has forgiven him for all the *hit he has put her through, I have not. I will never be able to do that.

That was one hell-of-a-cliff I just leapt from.