Changes

I've changed my blog page again. I think I change it with my mood; I keep trying to find the perfect one. Which for me is a big mistake – I keep forgetting that nothing is perfect. There is not a perfect paper, sentence, question, outfit, face, body, child, and God knows -- a husband.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist -- a competitor, yes; but never a perfectionist. Until I've spent many years with my husband, who God bless him, is a competitive perfectionist. He's an engineer, and usually that one word says it all. I think what happened was I kept trying to prove that I was his equal, not that he "said" I wasn't, but more along the lines I felt like I wasn't; which all stemmed from the fact he had his college degree and I didn't. He knew what he wanted out of life, and I didn't. Even now I feel inadequate -- which comes from issues I don't want to discuss. Besides, I don't want this blog to be about my husband.

I need to find security within myself, with who I am -- oops, another problem. I’m almost 50 and I have no idea who I really am, or where I’m going. I know what makes me happy, but I don’t know how to integrate my happiness with other factors in my life, I don’t know the secret formula to web it all together. Yet, I have a suspicion that there isn’t a clandestine recipe; instead, our task on this earth is to correct mistakes from our past lives, to obtain a better grasp of love, understanding, and compassion for others. To travel various unknown roads regardless of the terrain, and when we reach the end, hopefully we have reached our goal and it’s all been worth while.

There are days where I feel like a spinning top, different colors representing different emotions, spinning and meshing together into one whirl; only to slow down and fall, still together, but the colors are once again separate, nothing more than a collected division. Today I'm just dazed and confused.